What's the funniest line in any song you know?

"Now I guess I'll have to tell 'em
That I got no cerebellum"

- Ramones, Teenage Lobotomy

"There's no stoppin' the cretins from hoppin'
You gotta keep it beatin'
For all the hoppin' cretins"

- Ramones, Cretin Hop

 

When I go to get my shoes shined
I gotta take their word

Fat, Weird Al

 

This Stones lyric is pretty funny - remember it was written in 1965 so a 30 year old, available woman must have seemed outlandish for guys in their early 20's. When they played it 30 years later the woman suddenly "looked about 50"

"Down to the bar at the place I'm at
Sitting drinking, supereficially thinking
About the rinsed-out blonde on my left
Then I said, "hi" like a spider to a fly
Remembering what my little girl said

She was common, flirty, she looked about thirty
I would have run away but I was on my own
She told me later she's a machine operator
She said she liked the way I held the microphone
I said my, my, like the spider to the fly
Jump right ahead in my web"

 

Any Drive By Truckers album for me, I love listening to their lyrics for the humour - my favourites are probably on The Big To-Do, the delivery on 'Get Downtown' gets me every time. I'll never get bored of their records.

I could have probably picked a better example but I'll go with this -
---------------------------------------------------------
Jimmy said, "Baby, ain't you *heard* the news?
It's as far as the eyes can see.
Foreigners are comin' in and doin' our jobs
For half of what they would've paid me."

"You mean half of what you would've made
For somethin' you've never done.
Sounds like the bright side to all this, Jimmy
Is your askin' price went up -
---------------------------------------------------------

 

"And out comes a man from Mars
And you try to run but he's got a gun
And he shoots you dead and he eats your head
And then you're in the man from Mars
You go out at night, eatin' cars
You eat Cadillacs, Lincolns too
Mercuries and Subarus
And you don't stop, you keep on eatin' cars
Then, when there's no more cars
You go out at night and eat up bars where the people meet."
- Rapture, Blondie

 

These lines from "Isis" always manage to strike my funny bone. Or maybe it's just the way Dylan sings them.

She said "Where ya been ?" I said "No place special ?"
She said "You look different" I said "Well I guess"
She said "You been gone" I said "That's only natural"
She said "You gonna stay ?" I said "If you want me to, Yeah ".

 

"Must you tell me all your secrets
When it's hard enough to love you knowing nothing.
We're living four flights up but I swear right now it feels like underground."

Lloyd Cole, Four Flights Up

 

Pretty much all of Brand New Leopard Skin Pillbox Hat - has me rolling on the floor in laughter.

 

For now I need your hidden love.
I'm cold as a new razor blade.
You left when I told you I was curious,
I never said that I was brave.

~ Leonard Cohen ~ "So Long, Marianne" (from Songs Of Leonard Cohen, 1967)

 

I can't complain, but sometimes I still do

 

first line of "Tied up in Nottz" by Sleaford Mods:
"The smell of piss is so strong it smells like decent bacon"

 

The first two lines of this (and indeed the rest of it!)

 

Pick up your nose, you canary, You ain't Goin' Nowhere

Slap that Drummer with a pie that smells

What's the matter, Molly dear? What the matter with your mound?

I bought my girl
A herd of moose
One she could call her own
Well, she came out the very next day
To see where they had flown

 

The only question I ever thought was hard
was "do I like Kirk or do I like Piccard?"

-Weird Al, White and Nerdy

 

Bob Dylan - "Positively 4th Street"

Yes, I wish that for just one time
You could stand inside my shoes
You’d know what a drag it is
To see you

 

Ian Dury wrote shiploads of funny lines. This one from my favourite New Boots And Panties track Clevor Trever is the closing line @3:54:

"Also, it takes much longer to get up north ..... the s l o w way"

 

Not rolling on the floor laughing funny,but i use to smile a but when Weezer sing :
If you want to destroy my sweater
Hold this thread as I walk away
Watch me unravel, I'll soon be naked

 

She put a Doobie Brothers tape on
I had a Roger Daltrey cape on

Frank Zappa, "Carolina Hardcore Ecstasy"

 

Every line in Institutionalized by Suicidal Tendencies

 

The line "the maples formed a union and demanded equal rights" from The Trees by Rush is funny in a cringey way

 

"H-A-T-R-E-D" by the inimitable Tonio K.

Oh, yes I wish I was as mellow
As for instance Jackson Browne
But "Fountain of Sorrow" my ass
Mother****er
I hope you wind up in the ground

 

I'm not even going to try to single out any Ramones lyrics because they have so many funny songs

 

"I'll say a mass for you and wave shooting plasma from the grave" is pretty ridiculous.

Iron Maiden - Speed of Light

 

"don't you know there ain't no Devil, there's just God when he's drunk"

Tom Waits - Heartattack and Vine

May as well do 2 as I'm here.

"There was a moon and a street lamp
I didn't know I drank such a lot
Till I pissed a tequila anaconda
The full length of the parking lot!"

Joni Mitchell - Talk to Me

+ as previously mentioned the beginning of Dylan's Idiot Wind always puts a smile on my face.

 

Considering the time of year...
"He's a most immoral Santa...." - The Goodies: 'Father Christmas, Do Not Touch Me'

(and before anyone thinks I'm going all Gary Glitter, one of the preceding lines goes "I can't stand little girls, bigger ones are better...". )