Hilarious Amazon reviews

I thought this was quite amusing, a review of The Eagles "The Long Run" album:

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/t...//103-5708247-7249409?v=glance&s=music&n=5174

Reviewer: ******* (see more about me) from *******
I first heard about this band when I bought the CD H*** Freezes over on the recommendation of my barber, Gene. That one wasn't so bad. Well, I am going to see if I can find my receipt and take THIS one back to Hasting Records down in Garden City to get my money back. First of all, my first late wife was Greek, and I DO NOT appreciate the song the "Greeks Don't Want No Freaks". I don't even have to listen to it to know I don't like it. Another song on here, "Disco Strangler", seems to be about glorifying a serial killer, which I also don't approve of AT ALL. I have it on good authority that a lot of people in this band were hooked on pot and cocaine during this time period, so I guess that is their excuse. Now, to review the particulars. From a technical standpoint Don Henley's drumming is adequate at best. I heard that L.A. sessionman Waddy Wachtel had to come in and overdub a lot of Glenn Fry's guitar parts as well, although he wasn't credited. In fact, I was told by a VERY knowledgeable source that this album almost ended up being released under the name "Walsh Wachtel Project", as former James Gang guitarist and musical genius Joe Walsh and Wachtel dominated every aspect of the recording from songwriting to the final product. Tragedy struck Walsh when he loosened all of his teeth by using that thing that you put in your mouth to talk through your guitar in "Those Shoes" (he played it too loud). Detroit songwriter Bob Seeger (son of folk superstar Pete Seeger) came on board and wrote "Heartache Tonight", but quickly departed when he got a taste of life in this cursed band. To sum up, I am sorry I let Gene turn me on to this band. When he described it as Arrowsmith meets Billy Ray Cyrus, I took that as a good thing.

 

Chicken Dance Elmo

Funniest Amazon review ever...

1 of 24 people found the following review helpful:

this toy made my kid eat his own poop, November 2, 2002
Reviewer: Mark Davis from new york
my son loved this toy a lot and wants to be just like a chicken. it made him start to cl;uck and even eat his own excrement. I purchased it from my local [store] and they wouldn't take it back because it was covered in my sons waste and salava

Was this review helpful to you?

 

Oh.

you meant music reviews....

 

I believe we had a thread about the reviews for the Harry Potter Magic Broomstick (or whatever it was). The toy was a vibrating pole (!) that children placed between their legs (!!!) and pretended to fly.

Some of the reviews were hysterical, including one in which the customer said her teenage daughter enjoyed the toy just as much as the young child she bought it for. The whole thing read like an ONION parody.

 

Maybe we should all write reviews for albums we never heard!

 

Re: Chicken Dance Elmo

ROTFL! And

 

Arrowsmith?? That's very funny!!!

 

I just saw this one last night:

In the Navy, July 26, 2000

Reviewer: **** from Tamworth, NSW Australia
I think it is an excellent song by the Village People, and I listen to it all the time. It tells you the good points of being in the navy, so you will join to help America win World War 2

 

I still think the Eagles one is funnier.

 

Very amusing, he reminds me of the "Jackie Harvey" columns in the Onion.

 

Re: Chicken Dance Elmo

I desperately needed a good laugh today. Thank you, Mr. Mainway, for posting this. It got the job done.

Chris

P.S. I wonder if that bag of crushed glass you were selling on SNL years ago would have gotten similar reviews.

 

A review of The Beach Boys' "Endless Harmony" DVD:

**** No Murray Baby!!!, September 28, 2001
Reviewer: Marcus Forty (see more about me) from Auckland New Zealand
No Murray Baby!!!

But there was a Murray!!! And what havoc that father reaked... at least on his sons: Dennis, Brian and the unassuming Carl... or so the story goes...

You see - to be fair to the unknowm Murray - I don't really know do I? I wasn't there!?!

But these guys were and this is their story.

It ain't a glamour story... Certainly not the familiar story of Elvis or The Beatles.

This is very low key. All about music and medication.

My mother could never stand the Beach Boys. 'They look so drugged out?' she'd say...

Instead she prefered the pure and unadulterated charms of Dean Martin, Keith Richards, Elvis and Boy George... ???

Go figure...

But I wasn't aware that Brian had hit the bottle that hard!?!

But there is he is in the early 1980's... Rainman at the piano...

A half dead Dennis Wilson dragged from the gutter and placed on drums..... What a mess....

Al Jardine looks down as if to shake his head in disbelief... Embarrassed to be on stage with them?

Mind you a near midget dressed in a white top hat proabably wasn't the Wilson's poster boy either!?!?!?!

Good Grief these weren't you're archetypal rockers!!! Al said so himself. But the music was just beautiful. And the sentiments sincere and wonderfully presented.

The 5.1 remixes available on this DVD are something special!!! 'Kiss Me Baby' I had never heard before... I love it!!!

I loved Brian's breakdown of the song within the doco itself... It was worth the price of the DVD just to hear that!!!

He sits behind the massive mixing disk.. listening to his young voice soar from out of the past... Very touching.

Muscially this was America's answer to The Beatles.... If anyone could answer such a question?

Why should anyone have to answer such a question!?!?!

Why should anyone have to be matched off against anyone else!?! For what & who they were: 'The Beach Boys' were truly unique.

Its heartwarming to watch chubby little Carl emerge from his shyness to seize control of the ailing band.

I smile at each viewing of Mike Love's charming little inflections, body movements and a dance style that seems to predate Michael Jackons' Moonwalk!?! He really has a very gentle yet infectiously enthusitic way of presenting a song...

Why he reminds me of myself in front of the bedroom mirror!?! Or occasionally when I'm strolling thru the lounge wishing I was capturing my cuteness on hidden video.

No disrespect to Mike!?! He really is very cool !!!

Brian obviously has a Love hate thing going... He goads his band members into holding his nose so he can accurately recreate Mike's lead vocal on 'California Girls'... 'He's gonna love that...' he sarcasticly concedes... momentarily emerging from a medicated malaise...

HEY!!! Growing beards ain't gonna improve your chick appeal guys!!! Hell, what would I know!?!?!?!

I shall never hear 'Help Me Rhonda' again without Murray's vocal instruction scatting thru the lyric... Poor Al - was that just the harsh Black and White of early19'60's video... or was the Sword of Murray dangling above his every worried head thru-out the tv peformance??? The classic shall never sound the same again...

'A, pow, pow, pow pow!!!'

Mike and Brian exchange playful words over just which one of them is truly senile...

'I'm a genius too.' chimes in Dad...

Brian extouts the deeper meaning of 'Surfer Girl'... a song I had always loved apart for the rather odd/corny titular charactor... May as well be singing an ode to 'Supergirl'?

The Bonus Vids are welcome additions. The sound quality is not great on them. Although 'In My Room' ain't too rough... I don't believe for a minute Mike's breakdown of how the Beach Boy's write a song ie 'Little Deuce Coupe'... but after viewing Mikes slidin' and a posin' throughout the songs performance I concede I like the song a whole lot better on CD now...

In fact I went out and bought a brand new Beach Boy's CD today!!!

'...kiss a little bit, fight a little bit...' Pretty much sums it up...

 

David Hasselhoff

Do yourself a favor and check out the reviews for David Hasselhoff. Here are a couple of samples reviews for "Looking For-Best of David Hasselhoff":



a universe of pleasure, July 8, 2003
Reviewer: Hassel Fan from Canada
Oh Haffenpfooper. You are a musical genius. No, king. No, god. When your holy music radiates from my cd-playing device, I am deeply moved in my soul, my body, and my pants. Especially my pants. They are moving. Deeply. I dance as I have never danced before. Over and over again. And again. I think it is called dancing. I call it dancing. It makes me sleepy.

For those who haven't yet felt the aural ecstasy of Hastypuffs, it is most akin to the primal rollicking of meditative hyenas, while in the throes of a bassoon concert. On some tracks, the hyenas may only be considering having a bassoon concert, but not actually having one right then. These are the subtleties that make for musical greatness.

The song "Hot Shot City" is particularly good.

____________________________________________________________

Once in a lifetime, July 8, 2003
Reviewer: James Joyce from Lopsy's school for the deaf
Only Once in a lifetime do we really come across something as truly special as Daves latest album. Do you know that feeling when you've taken a journey and before you know it you're there... well listening to this album was just like that, only in a state of near consciousness. Clearly Dave's time spent on beaches with angel like beauties has lifted his ability to produce such lyrics, such melodies, such tosh.. that only those who truly appreciate art in this fine form will benefit from the pure pleasure that ooozes from the speaker when Dave is on fire.

Bravo I say, and may you continue to produce album after album, CD after CD and perhaps even another shot at Baywatch in Blackpool which would allow you a whole new take and perspective on what could be your finest hour.

Dave we love you, despite what they all say.

 

I was looking through the reviews for Radiohead's OK Computer on Amazon, and found this certain fellow named the "Cranky Reviewer". Here are some of his reviews:

OK Computer:

broken "computer", June 12, 2003
Reviewer: The Cranky Reviewer (see more about me) from *******
You can rave about this CD all you want, but the truth is this: both Radiohead and "OK Computer" are overrated. People who aren't smart but want to appear cutting edge and intelligent will say they like this CD (when deep down they don't). But the fact is that this CD is tuneless pop with no dance songs. I'd skip this and get "Greatest" by Duran Duran, who are WAY better and more interesting than Radiohead.

Bob Dylan's Blonde on Blonde:

it's good, but Justin Timberlake is better July 21, 2003
This record isn't that bad, although the lyrics are hard to understand and Bob's voice is kinda whiny. Justin Timberlake's "Justified" is WAY better. Why? The album has beats from Timbaland and the Neptunes, the lyrics are easier to understand, and Justin can dance a whole lot better than Bob Dylan. Don't get me wrong; I like this album. I just think it's a little overrated.


Christina Agulira's Stripped:

perfection July 22, 2003
This album is a bold masterpiece. It is just perfect. Christina is the funkiest white girl since Teena Marie. We may as well crown her as an honorary sista. I love those songs "Dirrty" and "Beautiful." Yeah! Xtina is multitalnted, even if she dresses like a $.75 hoochie. Buy this album!


U2's The Joshua Tree (this one made me ):

great album from a band that's not racist July 19, 2003
U2 is an amazing band and this is the album that made then huge stars. They write good music and they're not afraid of Black people. Who could ask for anything more?

Justin Timberlake's Justified:

one of the grestest albums of all time (I mean it) July 19, 2003
Justin Timberlake is a force to be reckoned with, and he is the greatest singer in the last 25 years. If you thought he was just a stupid pretty boy in NSYNC and just sang mindless dance songs, then you need to listen to "Justified" and brace yourself for a rude awakening. For a white kid, this dude has mad flava! He's like Michael Jackson, Stevie Wonder, and Prince rolled into one. It's AMAZING. He's even more talented than Led Zeppelin; after all, Justin can dance and Robert Plant can't. I mean, think about it. When you're as talented as Timberlake, you're gonna attract haters, who have nothing better to do but give his album ignorant one star reviews. Don't pay attention to them. They're all ig'nant and probably haven't even finished high school. The future of music is in Justin and his album will blow you away and will smoke the rest of the competition. He's only a few years away from the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. I'm serious, man.

Led Zeppelin DVD:


slapdash DVD from an overhyped band July 17, 2003
By now, everyone knows how untalented Led Zeppelin are, and this DVD is proof. It's a collection of sloppy performances: Robert Plant's voice is shrill, and Jimmy Page is the most overrated guitarist there is. There are MUCH better groups out there. One of them is Duran Duran. Right now, Duran Duran are in the studio and once they release their new album, they're going to put these poseurs Led Zeppelin right to shame. Mark my words. It's gonna happen.

Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoniex:

*HUGE* disappointment! July 16, 2003
Overrated book about a nerdy British wizard with no Black characters. How believable is that? Skip this book and pick up "The Boondocks" instead. Better characters, more realistic settings and the author is WAY more hip.

Led Zeppelin's Physical Graffiti:

physical torture July 11, 2003
Wow, this is as bad as a rock album can get. Jimmy Page is really a sloppy guitar player and Robert Plant's singing is just all over the place. I always knew Led Zeppelin were overrated from Day One. There are much MUCH better groups and singers out there. Justin Timberlake comes to mind. He has more talent than Page and Plant combined and his album "Justified" easily smokes this dud. Trust me on this one, people.

Guess Who's Coming To Dinner:

overrated movie with Sidney Poitier and Katherine Heartburn July 11, 2003
This movie is a mess. Bad acting, bad casting, and an unbelievable plot. Black people do NOT talk like Sidney Poitier. Maybe if Bernie Mac played Sidney's role the movie would be more convincing. Plus, the whole interracial dating thing in movies has been done before. "Jungle Fever" and "Monster's Ball" are better movies and both feature Halle Berry, who is a better actress than Katherine Heartburn could ever hope to be. I'm serious, here.

Radiohead's Hail To The Thief:

Justin Timberlake's "Justified" is MUCH better than this July 9, 2003
I was over at my friend's house and I wanted to play my Justin Timberlake CDs. Instead, he played this album from this really overrated group called Radiohead. I don't know about you, but I don't think this CD is good at all. There are no dance songs or hot producers like the Neptunes or Timbaland. I'd stay away from this album and get Justin Timberlake's "Justified." Trust me, Timberlake has staying power, and he'll be making records long after poseurs like Radiohead are forgotten.

Duran Duran's Singles Boxed Set:

OMG!! The best group ever!! July 9, 2003
Forget about Led Zeppelin and Radiohead and REM. Duran Duran are the BEST group there is. Everything they do is perfect. They're great singers and they sing songs that will be remembered in 10, 20, 50, and even 100 years from now. Simon, Nick, John, Roger, and Andy are so talented they make Bono look like Aaron Carter. I love Duran Duran and this is a really awesome box set!!

Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon:

still overrated after all these years June 28, 2003
This is one of the dumbest records I've ever listened to. It's overrated with a capital O. The sound quality is just as cruddy as it was when it was first released. For an album that will pass the test of time, I suggest any of the first three albums from Duran Duran, who can easily smoke Pink Floyd any day.

The Matrix (movie):

The May Trix June 17, 2003
What's so good about "The May Trix?" Are people forgetting that Keanu Reeves is one of the WORST actors around? My goldfish has more facial expressions than him. And Larry Fishburne is too good to star in this vapid geek-magnet of a movie. There's lots of sci-fi and martial arts, but no plot. Skip it and see "Moulin Rouge" instead.


Led Zeppelin's How The West Was Won:

Duran Duran's "Arena" is MUCH better than this June 8, 2003
Another live album from Led Zeppelin, an overrated band with lots of hair but no talent? This record sounds terrible, and the quality is abhorrent. Duran Duran's "Arena" is a live album that easily smokes "How The West Was Won." More important, Duran Duran are a much better group. In 10 years time, everyone will be talking about Simon LeBon and Nick Rhodes while Jimmy Page and Robert Plant will be long forgotten.


That's all I will post for now, but there are more hilarious ones from the "Cranky Reviewer".

 

Re: David Hasselhoff

They removed the very best one last year, but someone's reposted it since:

 

Some of these are downright lysurgic

 

Re: Re: Chicken Dance Elmo

Or that Invisible Pedestrian Halloween costume!

"Mr. Mainway, you are very sleazy man!"

 

I'm afraid that most people today think just like the Cranky Reviewer...

It makes me sad...