How to Sing the Blues (author unknown)

1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the
Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next
line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face
in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line
right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes...
sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in
town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face
in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she
weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a
ditch, you stuck in a ditch--ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and
broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos,
BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues
transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound
train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools
ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part
in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin'
to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In the blues,
"adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric
chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in
Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in
Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical
depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are
still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot
have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues.
A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your
leg 'cause you were skiing is not the blues. Breaking
your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping
mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the
parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

Bad places for the Blues:
a. Nordstrom's
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a
suit, 'less you happen to be a old ethnic person, and
you slept in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes,
if:
a. you older than dirt
b. you blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied

No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of
bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny
Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on
the blues.

14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you
gasoline, it's the Blues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. nasty black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast

15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun
shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a
jealous lover is another Blues way to die.So are the
electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a
broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you
die during a tennis match or while getting
liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie

18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber,
Jennifer, Tiffany, Brooke, Brittany and Heather can't
sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in
Memphis.

19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple,
Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit
(Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson,
Fillmore, etc.)
For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon
Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe
not "Kiwi.")

20. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own a
computer, you cannot sing the blues.