Humorous Bob Dylan lyrics

The Basement Tapes is loaded with lines that make me smile or guffaw. "Now don't crowd me, lady, or I'll fill up your shoe!" from "Please Mrs. Henry" comes to mind. (A huge part of this one is the way he says it.)

Then there's "Gonna save my money and rip it up!" from "Lo and Behold!" ... a great pun and one of my favorite of all his lines.

 

Geez I can't find my knees....

 

"He puts his cigar out in your face just for kicks."
"You unpatriotic rotten doctor commie rat!"

 

Two examples, from "Stuck Inside Of Mobile With The Memphis Blues Again":
* "But the post office has been stolen / And the mailbox is locked."
* "And he just smoked my eyelid / And punched my cigarette."
Which, I thought, were along the lines of the title of a late 1940's pop tune, "I Said My Pajamas (And Put On My Pray'rs)."

 

I get a chuckle out of this line from "Union Sundown:"

"They used to grow food in Kansas. Now they want to grow it on the moon and eat it raw."

 

Somebody already quoted "Bob Dylan's 115th Dream," which IMHO is his very funniest song. Quoting a song like that is like eating potato chips; you can't choose just one line. Another song that fits the same bill for me is "I Shall Be Free" on The Freewheelin' Bob Dylan --

I's out there paintin' on the old woodshed
When a can a black paint it fell on my head.
I went down to scrub and rub
But I had to sit in back of the tub.

* * *

Well, my telephone rang it would not stop,
It's President Kennedy callin' me up.
He said, "My friend, Bob, what do we need to make the country grow?"
I said, "My friend, John, Brigitte Bardot,
Anita Ekberg,
Sophia Loren.

=B.

 

"Don't ya follow leaders who watch the parkin' meters"

funny and poignant

 

"The sun's not yellow, it's chicken".

Profound.

 

The drunk in "Please Mrs. Henry": 'Now I'm startin' to drain, my stool's gonna squeak/If I walk too much farther, my crane's gonna leak.' Even Bob laughs after he sings the line.

'Highlands' has a few good ones: 'I'm listening to Neil Young, I gotta turn up the sound/Someone's always yelling turn it down'. And the whole waitress scene with hard boiled eggs, Erica Jong, 'you're an artist, draw a picture of me.' Bob sounds cranky singing it, which makes the humor that much more subtle.

I Shall Be Free, Motorpsycho Nightmare ('I Like Fidel Castro and his beard')...

 

Some of Dylan's early talkin-blues tunes are truly hilarious (hard to pull out just a stanza or two, so here's some whole enchiladas)...

Talkin' John Birch Paranoid Blues
Well, I was feelin' sad and feelin' blue,
I didn't know what in the world I was gonna do,
Them Communists they wus comin' around,
They wus in the air,
They wus on the ground.
They wouldn't gimme no peace. . .

So I run down most hurriedly
And joined up with the John Birch Society,
I got me a secret membership card
And started off a-walkin' down the road.
Yee-hoo, I'm a real John Bircher now!
Look out you Commies!

Now we all agree with Hitlers' views,
Although he killed six million Jews.
It don't matter too much that he was a Fascist,
At least you can't say he was a Communist!
That's to say like if you got a cold you take a shot of malaria.

Well, I wus lookin' everywhere for them gol-darned Reds.
I got up in the mornin' 'n' looked under my bed,
Looked in the sink, behind the door,
Looked in the glove compartment of my car.
Couldn't find 'em . . .

I wus lookin' high an' low for them Reds everywhere,
I wus lookin' in the sink an' underneath the chair.
I looked way up my chimney hole,
I even looked deep inside my toilet bowl.
They got away . . .

Well, I wus sittin' home alone an' started to sweat,
Figured they wus in my T.V. set.
Peeked behind the picture frame,
Got a shock from my feet, hittin' right up in the brain.
Them Reds caused it!
I know they did . . . them hard-core ones.

Well, I quit my job so I could work alone,
Then I changed my name to Sherlock Holmes.
Followed some clues from my detective bag
And discovered they wus red stripes on the American flag!
That ol' Betty Ross . . .

Well, I investigated all the books in the library,
Ninety percent of 'em gotta be burned away.
I investigated all the people that I knowed,
Ninety-eight percent of them gotta go.
The other two percent are fellow Birchers . . . just like me.

Now Eisenhower, he's a Russian spy,
Lincoln, Jefferson and that Roosevelt guy.
To my knowledge there's just one man
That's really a true American: George Lincoln Rockwell.
I know for a fact he hates Commies cus he picketed the movie Exodus.

Well, I fin'ly started thinkin' straight
When I run outa things to investigate.
Couldn't imagine doin' anything else,
So now I'm sittin' home investigatin' myself!
Hope I don't find out anything . . . hmm, great God!

 

Talking Bear Mountain Picnic Massacre Blues
I saw it advertised one day,
Bear Mountain picnic was comin' my way.
"Come along 'n' take a trip,
We'll bring you up there on a ship.
Bring the wife and kids
Bring the whole family."
Yippee!

Well, I run right down 'n' bought a ticket
To this Bear Mountain Picnic.
But little did I realize
I was in for a picnic surprise.
Had nothin' to do with mountains.
I didn't even come close to a bear.

Took the wife 'n' kids down to the pier,
Six thousand people there,
Everybody had ticket for the trip.
"Oh well." I said, "it's a pretty big ship.
Besides, anyway, the more the merrier."

Well, we all got on 'n' what d'ya think,
That big old boat started t' sink
More people kept a-pilin' on,
That old ship was a-slowly goin' down.
Funny way t' start a picnic.

Well, I soon lost track of m' kids 'n' wife,
So many people there I never saw in m' life
That old ship sinkin' down in the water,
Six thousand people tryin' t' kill each other,
Dogs a-barkin', cats a-meowin',
Women screamin', fists a-flyin', babies cryin',
Cops a-comin', me a-runnin'.
Maybe we just better call off the picnic.

I got shoved down 'n' pushed around,
All I could hear there was a screamin' sound,
Don't remember one thing more,
Just remember walkin' up on a little shore,
Head busted, stomach cracked,
Feet splintered, I was bald, naked. . .
Quite lucky to be alive though.

Feelin' like I climbed outa m' casket,
I grabbed back hold of m' picnic basket.
Took the wife 'n' kids 'n' started home,
Wishin' I'd never got up that morn.

Now, I don't care just what you do,
If you wanta have a picnic, that's up t' you.
But don't tell me about it, I don't wanta hear it,
'Cause, see, I just lost all m' picnic spirit.
Stay in m' kitchen, have m' own picnic. . .
In the bathroom.

Now, it don't seem to me quite so funny
What some people are gonna do f'r money.
There's a bran' new gimmick every day
Just t' take somebody's money away.
I think we oughta take some o' these people
And put 'em on a boat, send 'em up to Bear Mountain . . .
For a picnic.

And, of course:
Talkin Hava Negeilah Blues
Here's a foreign song I learned in Utah
Ha-
Ha-va-
Ha-va-ne-gei-lah
O-de-ley-e-e-oo-

 

'Ugliest Girl In The World' off the much-reviled (but loved by me!) Down In The Groove. Obviously a throwaway bit of fun, a Dylan original but could have been written and performed in the early 50s, it has that 'novelty R&B one-hit wonder' feel. I was going to just quote a few lines but there's too many to choose! -------

The woman that I love she got a hook in her nose
her eyebrows meet, she wears second hand clothes
She speaks with a stutter and she walks with a hop
I don't know why I love her but I just can't stop
(Chorus) You know I love her
Yeah I love her
I'm in love with the Ugliest Girl in the World

If I ever lose her I will go insane
I go half crazy when she calls my name
When she says babababababy I l-l-love you
There ain't nothing in the world that I wouldn't do
(Chorus)

The woman that I love she got two flat feet
Her knees knock together walking down the street
She cracks her knuckles and she snores in bed
She ain't much to look at but like I said
(Chorus)

I don't mean to say that she got nothing goin'
She got a weird sense of humor that's all her own
When I get low she sets me on my feet
Got a five inch smile but her breath is sweet
(Chorus)

The woman that I love she a got a prizefighter nose
Cauliflower ears and a run in her hose
She speaks with a stutter and she walks with a hop
I don't know why I love her but I just can't stop

 

Here I've been hearing this wrong all this time. To tell the truth I like mine better.

 

Another is "I'm sittin' on my watch, so I can be on time".....

 

Highwater:
I got a cravin' love for blazing speed
Got a hopped up Mustang Ford
Jump into the wagon, love, throw your panties overboard

(made even funnier by being sung by cranky 60+ Bob...)

 

The lyrics were written by Grateful Dead lyricist Robert Hunter, or at least some them were.

 

chronicles

40 pounds of headlights stapled to my chest &

a pay phone was ringing...it just about blew my mind....when i went to pick it up..this foot came through the line



is it rolling bob?

 

Thanks for the info Mike. It's such a typically R&B-type lyric, and NOT obviously Dylanesque, that I often wondered if maybe one or two phrases had been lifted from some really old bluegrass or folk songs...

Bob has a reputation for using some incredibly corny wordplay 'gags' (I daren't call them jokes!) in his on-stage patter:
http://www.expectingrain.com/jokes.html

 

Not sure exactly who contributed what to "Wilbury Twist," but I'm sure Bob had a hand in there someplace:

Put your hand on your head
Put your foot in the air
Then you hop around the room
In your underwear
Ain’t ever been nothin quite like this
Come on baby do the wilbury twist

Lift your other foot up
And fall on your ***
Get back up
Put your teeth in a glass
Ain’t ever been nothin quite like this
It’s a magical thing called the wilbury twist

Roll up your rug
Dust your broom
Ball the jack
Howl at the moon
Ain’t ever been nothing quite like this
Everybody’s trying to do the wilbury twist

Turn your lights down low
Put your blindfold on
You’ll never know
Where your friends have gone
Could be years before you’re missed
Everybody’s trying to do the wilbury twist

It’s a different dance
For you to do
Spin your body
Like a screw

Better not forget it on your shopping list
You can stop and buy one
It’s the wilbury twist

 

While I have great respect for Bob Dylan, I've never been a huge fan, so only know selected bits of his work.

But I can still remember Dick Summer playing "Motorpsycho Nightmare" on his Night Light show on WBZ-AM in the late 60s, and a line from it still sticks with me:

He threw a Reader's Digest at my head and I did run

 

Great idea for a thread. There are so many funny lines. Here are two of my favs.


From Brownsville Girl:

"I didn't know whether to duck or to run, so I ran."

From Black Diamond Bay.
"I was sittin' home alone one night in L.A.,
Watchin' old Cronkite on the seven o'clock news.
It seems there was an earthquake that
Left nothin' but a Panama hat
And a pair of old Greek shoes.
Didn't seem like much was happenin',
So I turned it off and went to grab another beer."

 

Oh there's so much humor in Bob's lyrics.

Talking New York is very witty -

"I walked down there and ended up
In one of them coffee-houses on the block.
Got on the stage to sing and play,
Man there said, "Come back some other day,
You sound like a hillbilly;
We want folk singer here."

But my favorite "funny" song by far is Motorpsycho Nightmare -

I pounded on a farmhouse
Lookin' for a place to stay.
I was mighty, mighty tired,
I had gone a long, long way.
I said, "Hey, hey, in there,
Is there anybody home?"
I was standin' on the steps
Feelin' most alone.
Well, out comes a farmer,
He must have thought that I was nuts.
He immediately looked at me
And stuck a gun into my guts.

I fell down
To my bended knees,
Saying, "I dig farmers,
Don't shoot me, please!"
He cocked his rifle
And began to shout,
"You're that travelin' salesman
That I have heard about."
I said, "No! No! No!
I'm a doctor and it's true,
I'm a clean-cut kid
And I been to college, too."

Then in comes his daughter
Whose name was Rita.
She looked like she stepped out of
La Dolce Vita.
I immediately tried to cool it
With her dad,
And told him what a
Nice, pretty farm he had.
He said, "What do doctors
Know about farms, pray tell?"
I said, "I was born
At the bottom of a wishing well."

Well, by the dirt 'neath my nails
I guess he knew I wouldn't lie.
"I guess you're tired,"
He said, kinda sly.
I said, "Yes, ten thousand miles
Today I drove."
He said, "I got a bed for you
Underneath the stove.
Just one condition
And you go to sleep right now,
That you don't touch my daughter
And in the morning, milk the cow."

I was sleepin' like a rat
When I heard something jerkin'.
There stood Rita
Lookin' just like Tony Perkins.
She said, "Would you like to take a shower?
I'll show you up to the door."
I said, "Oh, no! no!
I've been through this before."
I knew I had to split
But I didn't know how,
When she said,
"Would you like to take that shower, now?"

Well, I couldn't leave
Unless the old man chased me out,
'Cause I'd already promised
That I'd milk his cows.
I had to say something
To strike him very weird,
So I yelled out,
"I like Fidel Castro and his beard."
Rita looked offended
But she got out of the way,
As he came charging down the stairs
Sayin', "What's that I heard you say?"

I said, "I like Fidel Castro,
I think you heard me right,"
And ducked as he swung
At me with all his might.
Rita mumbled something
'Bout her mother on the hill,
As his fist hit the icebox,
He said he's going to kill me
If I don't get out the door
In two seconds flat,
"You unpatriotic,
Rotten doctor Commie rat."

Well, he threw a Reader's Digest
At my head and I did run,
I did a somersault
As I seen him get his gun
And crashed through the window
At a hundred miles an hour,
And landed fully blast
In his garden flowers.
Rita said, "Come back!"
As he started to load
The sun was comin' up
And I was runnin' down the road.

Well, I don't figure I'll be back
There for a spell,
Even though Rita moved away
And got a job in a motel.
He still waits for me,
Constant, on the sly.
He wants to turn me in
To the F.B.I.
Me, I romp and stomp,
Thankful as I romp,
Without freedom of speech,
I might be in the swamp.