Record Cleaning

I'm left-handed, generally accident-prone doing anything other than sports or driving a car, and could probably manage to light myself on fire, slice a finger off, or impale myself, without really wanting to, or almost worse, destroy all records I come in too close contact with. Is there an Idiot's Guide for me, , or has one not been made yet
A Poor Man's Idiot Guide to Basic Foolproof Record Cleaning might be most beneficial? I've had the most limited success, but some nonetheless, with soft cloths and running water (I do have indoor plumbing). Although a robot or a one or two step cleaning machine is on my list for Santa. Checking the Classifieds here...