As we move on to "The Curse of the Jade Scorpion" (2001) and "Hollywood Ending" (2002), some pictures to illustrate a point. What Woody Allen Was Busy With At About The Time His 2001/2002 On-Screen Love Interests/Flirtations Were Busy Being Born Helen Hunt (Curse of the Jade Scorpion): Tea Leoni (Hollywood Ending): Debra Messing (Hollywood Ending): Elizabeth Berkley (Curse of the Jade Scoprion): Tiffani Theiessen (Hollywood Ending) / Charlize Theron (Curse of the Jade Scorpion)
Curse of the Jade Scorpion: a half hour short unwisely extended for three times that length. I do think there's worse to come, though.
While definitely not as good as "Small Time Crooks", I found "Curse of the Jade Scorpion" actually quite enjoyable. Of course it is very silly and the ending is rather unconvincing, but overall it's a fun and entertaining movie - nothing more and nothing less. Also, good to see Dank Aykroyd in a Woody Allen movie. Speaking of silly movies - what about that timeless classic "Picking Up The Pieces" that came before "Jade Scorpion"?
Darn, I did it again! I did mean to make a quick stop for "Picking Up the Pieces", and once again, I forgot! I guess we will have to do double duty: Picking Up the Pieces (2000) If Wikipedia is to be trusted, "Picking Up the Pieces" was released exactly one week after "Small Time Crooks", which would appear to be the dumbest marketing move humanly possible. I'm no fan of "Jade Scorpion" (as I will elaborate on shortly), but it is "Citizen Kane" compared to "Picking Up the Pieces". An unfunny, often incoherent film that mistakes animosity for satiric wit. There must be a story behind Woody taking this role - anybody? Usually I can see a film that is not particularly good and I am left with a feeling of benign indifference, but I actively dislike "Picking Up the Pieces". I am as ripe as the next Atheist for a film skewering religion, but this film does it so poorly, it leaves me flat. I can only begin to imagine the film's (lack of) appeal to a religious believer.
"Picking Up the Pieces" - I have to admit, I actually have this one in my dvd collection. A film with Woody Allen, Kiefer Sutherland, Sharon Stone and Cheech Marin can't be that bad... well it's actually worse The only real good thing about this movie is seeing Woody as a butcher wearing a cowboy hat, but that's about it. As for the reason why Woody took this role - the imdb trivia section cites him that it was "A lucrative offer."
My two cents on "The Curse of the Jade Scorpion" Good stuff: - The costumes and set decoration/design are top notch - There are some funny lines buried in the dialog ("Your brother looks good, the embalmer did a nice job" being a personal favorite) - The scene with Woody and Helen Hunt at the bar early in the film has its funny moments Bad stuff: - "1940" in huge typeface across the screen ... as if anyone with a modicum of sense wouldn't figure out the decade within the first three minutes of the film. Is the guy who had a "fictional" character who was an amalgam of two "real life" characters coming to life to talk to another "real life" character in "Deconstructing Harry" suddenly giving his audience no credit at all for having a brain? - The sad reality that C.W. Briggs was written for an actor 30 years younger than Woody Allen. Woody bumbling his way through the scenes with Charlize Theron bring to mind scenes that worked well in "Love and Death" - except now he is 40 years older than his leading lady and for me the scene doesn't offend, it just doesn't WORK. - However hard she tries, Charlize Theron's Lauren Bacall-Jessica Rabbit mashup seems like it is flown in from another film ("Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid"?) - The jokes related to hypnosis are older than the hills, and weren't funny in sitcoms 50 years ago - The basic premise of the film is absolutely, positively, sub-mental, particularly the fact that being in a "trance" turns CW into a politer version of himself (why?). It makes me squirm to sit there watching Woody do his "in a trance walk" - The ending of the film makes no sense. (And if you haven't seen the film I'm about to spoil the ending, so stop reading HERE). In order for the resolution of the lame "love triangle" to make any sense, we needed an indication in earlier scenes (such as the meeting in the bar) that there is attraction between the two leads beneath the animosity. Other than the vague notion that CW is a decent guy because he stopped Betty Ann from being the second Woody character to "go out the window" (Boris is waiting in the wings to be #3), that is never achieved. And even IF Betty Ann has decided she loves CW, why is she about to leave with another man? Is she messing with both of them? When she shoves aside Mr. MaGruder, who has left his wife and spent the entire film pursuing her, why does he accept it in under 30 seconds? Does anyone in a million years believe the two leads are in love, or even vaguely attracted to each other? For me, "Jade Scorpion" bumps "Alice" from the bottom rung of the theatrical written & directeds.
I wonder if he consulted with his rabbi (a la "The Vodka Ad" on one of the stand-up albums) to consider whether he should do something just for the paycheck. "A lucrative offer" is probably a better explanation than "he read the script and thought it was terrific".
A quick little side note: Scorpion was the last Woody film to feature TWO of his frequent "bit actors". The first, John Doumanian, was the husband of Jean Doumanian, who produced a number of Woody's films. He's probably most familiar from the famous "coke scene" in Annie Hall: But look closely and, according to IMDB, you'll find him in: Manhattan, Stardust Memories, Zelig, Broadway Danny, Hannah, Husbands & Wives, Murder Mystery, Bullets, Don't Drink..., Deconstructing, Celebrity, Small Time Crooks and even Wild Man Blues. Similarly, Ira Wheeler was a doctor in Hannah and had tiny roles in Radio Days, September, Oedipus Wrecks, Alice, Shadows & Fog, Husbands & Wives, Murder Mystery & Small Time Crooks: The latter actor had a few other credits on IMDB, but not many (he passed away in 2002). I've always guessed that perhaps being a friend of Woody's might lead to having some small roles in his films (?). Regardless, if you watch all of his films, you'd be hard-pressed to find anyone other than Woody who seemed to turn up as frequently as these two guys...
More than one, actually. I might drive everyone out of this thread from boredom with a couple of lengthy accounts related to Woody's first US "tour" with his band. Fortunately for me, I wrote this up nearly 15 years ago, so it's a simple cut & paste job, aside from a quick intro. As mentioned above, in early July 2001, it was announced Woody would hit 3 cities (Seattle, Oakland, LA) to perform with his jazz band and to introduce his film in person. Even though I'd moved away from Seattle two years earlier, I figured I'd try my damnedest to get tickets to his jazz gig for what would likely be a once-in-a-lifetime chance to see him in person. When they went on sale three weeks later, my two Canadian buddies - both Allen fanatics, like me - and I all tried to call for tickets, but they were gone in five minutes and we never had a chance. But I had free lodging in Seattle if I wanted to go anyway, and a lot of determination to try to make it work. I think I mentioned earlier in this thread that my holy trinity of artists still living are (1) Paul McCartney, (2) Bob Dylan and (3) Woody Allen. I'd already had a face-to-face encounter with Bob in 1993. In 2005, Paul would personally respond to me at a concert (and almost a decade later sign an album for me at a show). And this would be my Woody Allen experience. (here's my account of the film screening - I'll likely chime in with the story of the jazz gig, too): After having struck out in my attempt to get tickets for the Seattle jazz alley gig, I refused to give up. After all, Woody had never done a promotional tour like this one before in the US, so there seemed little point to wait for the next one to come around. I made several call backs to ticketmaster, in hopes that perhaps someone's credit card would reject, or that additional seats would be made available. No luck. I emailed & called several "ticket brokers" to see how much Woody tickets were. None of the brokers had even had a single pair of tickets come into their possession, so they couldn't even give me a ballpark figure on what they might sell for. I checked ebay & amazon auctions as well, only to be disheartened by the facts that (1) no Seattle tickets were onsale & (2) the prices for Oakland & LA tickets were outrageous. But, I thought, there's always a chance with scalpers... And what about the movie screening? Certainly that would be a memorable event for a Woodyphile to attend, but no one seemed to know anything about it. Emails to the movie critics @ both the Seattle papers generated responses like "well, we don't know where the screening will be either." But then, at last, a fellow member of a Woody Allen mailing list (http://groups.yahoo.com/group/TheWoodMan) informed me which theatre the screening would be in. After a few more emails, it turned out that he even had access to passes, as G.M. of one of Seattle's most renowned video stores. And he was actually going to be a nice guy and offer me one, for no charge, despite the fact I'm sure he could have sold it on ebay for a buck or two. He even asked if one was all I needed, and since I'd been getting calls from a close friend in Vancouver, B.C. who was anxious to attend the Seattle Woody-events, I was able to get one additional pass. That convinced me to pack the car and make the 500+ mile trip to Seattle... So, early in the afternoon of August 1st, my friend & I picked up our screening passes for "Scorpion." They were quite cool, as they were postcard-like replicas of the movie "poster" on one side, and the usual disclaimers about arriving early and so forth on the other side. I particularly liked the bit that said "Hosted by Woody Allen." Anyway, we headed to the theatre and actually enjoyed the intelligent conversation of those next to us in line--they were clearly not the types to be heading to the premiere of "American Pie 2" this weekend... I was rather dismayed to have to give up my "pass" at the door and not have an option of keeping it (I asked if I could, and was told to check back after the movie, THEN we could pick them up--a promise that was sadly not kept). But it was ok, we were still going to see Woody! At least, if he didn't pull some sort of Annie Hall-like West Coast sickness--something I actually feared might happen. Once inside, I told my friend that we should head to the OPPOSITE side of the theatre from where the rest of the crowd went. I had brought my old "Standup Comic" LP jacket, on the one-in-a-million chance that I might get it signed. So we took up good seats on the left side of the theatre, just about 4 rows down from the center aisle, with me in the left-hand aisle seat, just in case. As the audience took their seats, I noticed a familiar face standing about 15 feet away, near a side door that entered in the middle of the theatre. So that's Soon-Yi, I thought. She actually looked much better in person than in Wild Man Blues, which I had re-watched just prior to my trip. And standing right next to her? Why that must be Letty Aronsen, Woody's sister (and Producer of "Scorpion"). And no one seemed to notice them... Well, how many times do you anticipate being 15 feet from Woody's sister & wife (with him, no doubt, nearby) with something you'd actually like to have him sign (as opposed to, say, a napkin or something)? So, I walked up and stood next to them and politely waited. "I'm very sorry to intrude," I recall saying, "but I recognize you from Wild Man Blues, and I was wondering if there was any possibility that your brother might be able to sign something." Letty replied that she didn't see how it would be possible, "because he'll just be speaking very briefly and then the house lights will go down." At this point, the 3rd woman in the conversation stepped forth and said she was Woody's personal assistant, and that she'd be happy to send me a signed photo once they returned to New York, if I would leave her my address. When I gave her my "Boise, Idaho" mailing address she seemed perplexed (or maybe scared?), but I mentioned I'd driven 500 miles to attend, and I noticed her double-underline my name--either to alert security or make sure she followed through (I'm not sure which, yet). So I returned to my seat, thrilled that I might get a photo in the mail at some point in the future, and contented that, if nothing else, at least I'd tried my hardest. An announcer mentioned that the audience had to be completely seated before Mr. Allen would come out, and that when he did so, we should give him a "subdued" welcome. Then one of the local tv "personalities" (so to speak) got up and told an anecdote about "Annie Hall," but my eyes were fixed on the door behind me, as I knew that's where Woody would come in from. Eventually something along the lines of "please welcome... Woody Allen" was said, and out popped the slight figure of my favorite neurotic. The audience behaved by *not* giving him an (unwelcome) standing ovation, and he walked right past me to the front of the theatre. The emcee mentioned something about how "this is not something that you regularly do, is it?" and Woody's reply was something like: "No, I don't do this." (audience laughter). Then Woody spoke for a few minutes about how he's the *worst* person that DreamWorks could send out to "promote" his film. He continued... "Whenever I start to write my films, in my bedroom, I think they are just going to be, um, like the greatest movie ever made or, eh, my Citizen Kane or whatever....and then, as my friend Marshall Brickman said, the truck of Compromise shows up every day on the set...and by the end, when it's about to be released, like now, I just hope and pray that I'm not massively humiliated. So, I, uh, er, I can't vouch for this movie. I mean, I hope you like it and I hope you talk about it, but I can't promise you'll like it." The audience, of course, roared with laughter, because he sounded just like "Alvy Singer" or any of his countless neurotic screen personas. I recall him actually apologizing for the film, but thanking us for coming anyway. As Woody walked away, the emcee announced (paraphrasing) that "Should you happen to encounter Mr. Allen after the screening, please attempt to avoid eye contact." A small part of my brain registered this comment (and tried to determine whether it was brought out by "star arrogance" or genuine neuroses), but by the time it had been uttered, Woody was only about 10 feet away from me, walking back up the aisle. So, while remaining seated, I partially extended my "Standup Comic" LP jacket with my left hand and a "sharpie" pen with my right into the aisle. As he passed my seat, I very quietly said "Mr. Allen?" and then went into about a 15 minute trance as Woody paused and signed my LP jacket. I *think* I muttered a quiet "thank you VERY much," and I *thought* I heard some audience members sigh/gasp in surprise, but it was over very quickly. And yes, I did avoid making direct eye contact. I looked down at my album, utterly amazed, because I had actually obtained one of the few autographs in this world that I would really seek out. My friend turned to me and mentioned that a couple other people saw my success and jumped up to try and duplicate it, but Woody was too close to the door, and he escaped without signing another autograph inside. The only autograph inside the theatre--wow. I'd felt elated just to ATTEND the preview, but to get the only autograph inside the show was simply more than I would've thought possible. And then the lights dimmed, the famous basic credits started to roll, and "Scorpion" started. I think I've seen every Woody film on opening night since Broadway Danny Rose (except the Xmas day release, Deconstructing Harry), but this was already a REALLY special night for me...
That story was certainly worth the wait, and the read! It's sort of funny how some of the "instructions" about interacting with Woody duplicate those that venue personnel have been told about Dylan - no interaction allowed, not even eye contact. When he walks by (in his hoodie, at least for a long stretch of time), avert your eyes. So much for "genius loves company"! Your name and "Boise, Idaho" (underlined twice) are probably in an index card file that his personal assistant maintains to watch out for kooks. Is your avatar the picture that came in the mail ... or is that another story?
Glad you enjoyed it, and I'm glad I thought to write that down many years ago, when the memory was still fresh. Scorpion is clearly not a very good movie, but my first time watching it was such an amazingly good time that I have very fond memories associated with it. The comments that Woody used to introduce it are something he's frequently said in recent years in interviews and such but, at the time, I don't think I'd heard him refer to his disappointment with the finished result (vs. the original idea), so it was REALLY funny to hear in person then. Like hearing his standup stuff, with his trademark delivery - just a priceless memory, really. I remember being so excited after he walked past me, on the way to deliver his intro, that I took out my sharpie, took the cap off and had the LP at my side, as I waited for his intro to conclude. I'd brought the LP in a backpack, and even my friend didn't realize I had it, until I held it out for Woody to sign. Unfortunately, after what was probably a 5-7 minute intro, the pen had partially dried out, so the "Woody" part of the signature was pretty weak. Oh well, perhaps I'll post a pic of that at lunchtime today. The avatar shot is story #2, which was also written out many years ago, and which I'll post this afternoon. I never did get anything from Woody's personal assistant. I figure she either never intended to send me anything to begin with or (perhaps more likely) noticed that I got the LP signed and so figured she didn't need to follow up. But yes, they should have me as a kook on file, for sure!
What a great story! Its almost impossible to describe the feeling we get when we have interaction with someone who has meant so much to us throughout our lives. Macca is on my list as well, but sadly I know that's never going to happen. Muhammad Ali was my success. But that story is for another time. How about your story #2 when you get a chance?
Part two, again written up back in August of 2001: Part one dealt with my insane obsession to attend one of the Woody Allen "West Coast Tour" events. Much to my delight, I was able to get a ticket to the Woody-hosted preview of "The Curse of the Jade Scorpion," and even score an autograph as Woody left the auditorium. Following the actual movie, my attention turned to getting into the sold-out performance at Seattle's "jazz alley"... None of my inquiries to "ticket brokers" had turned up a single seat for the jazz alley gig, which had sold out its 275 seats in less than 5 minutes. No tickets for the gig turned up on Ebay or amazon auctions, and no tickets were listed in the "classified" section of the Seattle papers. But there are always scalpers, right? So, having driven the 500+ miles to get to Seattle, my friend & I headed for the gig EARLY on August 2nd. I mistakenly thought the show started at 7pm, so we showed up a little after 5 that night. There were already about 6 people in the "hopefuls" line, and no scalpers anywhere in sight. After a short discussion of the merits of standing in line, we decided we'd call the club to see what advice they might offer. They said that if there were no-shows, they'd let people in, but when I asked if it was worth standing in line for, they said that our chances of getting in were (direct quote here) "extraordinarily thin." So we headed for a bar instead. After a couple pints of the superior local-only ale "Mac 'n' Jack's African Amber" (*highly* recommended for those who might visit Seattle!), we headed back a few minutes before 6pm. There were quite a few more hopefuls lining the streets near the club, but surprisingly no one had joined the line in front of the club. A quick examination of the folks on the sidewalk convinced me that either (a) they weren't scalpers or (b) they were scalpers, but they had no intention of selling to me. So we joined the line. Fortunately, the line was similar in tone to the line for the movie premiere the night before: there were intelligent, interesting people with whom to chat about Woody or politics, or ... whatever. The gentleman at the head of the line had driven down to Seattle from Vancouver, BC (as had my companion), and he'd been in line since 4:15. I sincerely hoped he'd get in, at least, because he deserved it. One of the people who HAD been in front of us at 5pm had given up hope and was actively working the sidewalk in search of a scalper, so my friend and I claimed the 6th & 7th spots in line. Over the next hour or so, we saw more people line up behind us and we all debated whether we'd get in or not. One person immediately behind us was celebrating his 50th that week, and he was such an eternal optimist that I doubted his true devotion to the Woodman. He *insisted* that all of us (the first 10 or so) would make it in, but we were rather skeptical. Around 7 or so, the band showed up, shortly after a relatively sizable crowd from the local media had gathered for photos and such. A DreamWorks crew, allegedly shooting promotional footage, was also on hand. By 7:15 there was quite a throng of people waiting on the sidewalks (autograph hounds, my fellow queue-ers assured me, who couldn't have cared whether it was Woody or J-Lo that was appearing). Around 7:30 or so, up pulled Woody's car, and out he stepped for a few quick words with the assembled media. Given my optimum spot in line, I was able to get right up to the ropes (with the now *very* aggressive autograph hounds--it was like Stardust Memories!) and watch as he came ever closer. Though he was only a few feet away, I couldn't hear a word that he said to those interviewing him, but I was surprised at how calm & self-assured he seemed after his decidedly nervous appearance the evening before. When he finished with the last question, he turned to the maniacs in line, with Sharpie in hand. My cd of "Wild Man Blues" was the 2nd thing he signed, and unlike the night before, this signature was absolutely perfect! I said a quiet "thank you" and returned to my spot in line (for those who are curious, Woody was very focused on signing--I don't think I heard him say a word to any of the "fans," although I'm convinced 85% of them weren't fans anyway). After about 4-5 minutes, he quickly entered (via the kitchen, I think), and we were back to focusing on getting into the club. About 10 minutes before showtime, the manager of the club came out and said that they would probably be able to get "some" of us into the show, but he wasn't sure how many. "The Optimist" shot me a "told ya' so" smile--I'd promised his first drink was on me if we got in--and, for the first time, I actually thought we stood a good chance of getting in. At about 8:05, he told the first 5 people in line he had a table for them, and my friend & I were now first in line. And then he came for us!! We were escorted downstairs (it's a split-level club), and as we waited to be taken to our seats, the band took the stage, walking right by us. I haven't felt that good in ages. I'm not someone that would ever have a reason to be in NYC, and so I'd ruled out the possibility of ever being at Michael's Pub (or the Carlyle hotel) to see Woody in person. But here I was, sipping another wonderful Mac 'n' Jack's and watching the unamplified sounds of Woody's band playing. Unlike the "Wild Man Blues" cd, most of the songs played were very up-tempo tunes, and it was a thrill to watch Woody's knee bopping and so on. The trombonist, Jerry Zigmont, was the biggest crowd-pleaser, musically, though Eddy Davis' occasional lead vocals were also warmly received by the crowd. The band played for about 65 minutes or so, and then Woody & Eddy played a few numbers as a duo. Unfortunately, there were no song intros, but Woody did address the crowd briefly prior to performing the final "band" number. To the best of my recollection, he said something like: "We'd like to thank you for coming to the show tonight. I'm very surprised that you would turn out ... at all (audience laughter), not to mention so enthusiastically, for us. We're going to play one last tune, but if I suddenly get a stroke in the middle of the tune or something, you'll know I wanted to thank you. (more laughter)." The audience seemed to enjoy the performance very much. I inquired if anyone sitting near us would be willing to part with their ticket for the night (since we didn't actually get them), and when the adjacent table of women heard about the lengths my friend & I had gone to to make it to the show, two tickets were offered up. I just wished I'd thought to bring my cassette recorder... According to an email I received from the Seattle Times jazz columnist, the set list for the evening was: "Algiers Strut" "Redwing" "Mandy, Make Up Your Mind" "Four or Five Times" "Easter Parade" "The Hot Tamale Man" "Wild Man Blues" "You Can't Live in Harlem" "The Old Rugged Cross" "Ole Miss" "Good Ole New York" "Grandpa's Spells" "Mr. Jelly Lord" "Please Don't Talk About Me When I'm Gone" I'll post some reviews for those that may be interested, as well. It was a really magical trip for me. There are very few artists that have captivated me for an extended period of time, like Woody Allen has. To be able to hear him introduce a film--something he said that he'd *never* done before--as well as perform in person, was an irrationally fulfilling experience for me. I don't know why it meant THAT much to me, but it did. And for anyone that survived this extended monologue, thanks for listening. I'm sorry if it was overlong--I'm not as good a writer as Woody--but I wanted to get my memories down while they're still relatively fresh.
Here's the LP that I got signed at the movie theatre, along with my ticket stub from the concert - note the price, a mere $24!! - along with a photo my buddy took of Woody chatting with the journalists outside of Jazz Alley, just before he turned to face the autograph hounds.
Shortly after posting those reviews/experiences online, I got an email from someone who told me how much he'd enjoyed reading them: Jerry Zigmont, the trombonist in Woody's band. He asked for my mailing address and a few days later, I received a full sized movie poster for "Scorpion". One last bit of overkill, and then I'll behave - the reviews Woody's Band received in Seattle. The first two are no longer online so I've pasted them in full, but the third still has an active link to follow, which I believe is standard protocol around here, if anyone's curious. Three reviews of Woody's jazz alley performance, from The Tacoma News-Tribune, Seattle Post-Intelligencer & Seattle Times. ------------ Woody Allen fans get to see filmmaker play jazz gig in Seattle August 05, 2001 Jen Graves; The News Tribune An orange cab eased up to Jazz Alley after 7 on Thursday night, and the 100 or so press and fans who had been waiting for Woody Allen's overdue arrival thought, "Maybe." The crowd fanned toward the cab, but our New Yorker wasn't in it. A guard in a suit smiled when he saw a flapper-type in a purple velvet dress, amused by the scene of hipsters and loafered intellectuals. Woody was coming to play his clarinet with Eddie Davis & His New Orleans Jazz Band. The show's 350 tickets had gone in 41/2 minutes, the zippiest sellout in Jazz Alley's history. The night before, Woody had attended a Seattle screening of his new movie, "The Curse of the Jade Scorpion," co-starring Helen Hunt. DreamWorks sent him on this tour to promote the movie. In his 65 years, he had never been to Seattle. TV cameras, radio mikes and photographers were set up in a "press line" gantlet that Woody would walk when he arrived. I was the only writer there, and I was last in line. I knew Woody would be small but when the black Lincoln Town Car pulled up you could hardly see his shoulders. He got out from the passenger's seat and teetered for a moment like Miles in "Sleeper," then his handler steered him to the first TV camera. "Mr. Allen, what do you think of Seattle?" There went my first and rather obvious question. I had envisioned him giving Seattle a witty underhanded compliment, a mellowed update on his character's hatred for LA in "Annie Hall." But he dodged it, saying he hadn't had enough time here to form an opinion. Then he did a monologue about what a miserable musician he is and how he gets away with murder because he's surrounded by good ones. Next up was a TV crew. "Mr. Allen, if the Mariners and the Yankees played (for the American League championship), who'd win and in how many games?" Good one. But Woody is so soft-spoken, I couldn't make out his answer. I'm guessing he went Yankees. KPLU (88.5 FM) radio was next. "Mr. Allen" - what was all this Mr. Allen stuff? He's not a dignitary. I would call him Woody - "How can people in Seattle keep jazz alive?" Woody blathered on, then the interviewer saved him by asking whether Ken Burns' PBS "Jazz" series helped. Woody thought yes. My turn. He looked me in the eyes, and I had no recollection of who I was or what I was doing there. "Ah, hi Mr. Allen," I said. Please do not think that, as your representative, this is the way I normally behave. I would be less nervous meeting the president. (OK, bad example.) I own all of Woody's movies, and we have a poster of him in our living room. I am a fan. I also am a genuine Amazon compared to this wraith in mahogany shoes clutching a clarinet case. He looked up at me, awaiting his cue. "What part of the program are you looking forward to most tonight, and why?" Should have asked "which piece"! He'll worm his way out of talking about the music! "The end." Of course. "I want to live through it. I just don't want to humiliate myself. I do it all the time in movies, and I do it in jazz and I just hope it's not one of those nights." "How do you feel this movie stacks up against your others?" "I'm the wrong guy to ask. I have these megalomaniacal, grandiose views of the movies at the beginning and then at the end I want to crawl into a hole. I'm not the one DreamWorks should send out promoting their movies." He was laughing. I wanted to shake his hand but I know he is germ-phobic. "Thank you," I said. "Thank you," he said. The guards moved aside, and he was mobbed. After two minutes of autographs, he went in the back way. I got a seat at the bar and called my dad. When I mentioned jazz clarinet, my dad said, "I thought you were talking about Woody Allen." Woody has been playing jazz Monday nights for 25 years in New York. But only fans knew that until the 1997 documentary "Wild Man Blues," which followed the ensemble during its European tour the year before. Nobody would say Woody is a great player, but he is far from embarrassing and he has his own voice. He sits in the middle next to red-faced Eddie Davis on banjo. They're joined by a trombonist, trumpeter, upright bassist, percussionist and pianist. The woman sitting next to me admitted she has "a problem with Woody," and it's The Problem With Woody. In 1997, he married 27-year-old Soon-Yi Previn, adopted daughter of his former love Mia Farrow. But this night was not about The Problem. When Woody plays, his left leg bounces up and down like it's being moved by a puppeteer. Through tunes like "Mandy," "Four or Five Times," "Easter Parade" and "Wild Man Blues," his head swayed and he lifted his clarinet high. He was always dignified - sitting still as wood when the rest of the band sang - but sometimes he'd drag a note long enough or raspberry it so that the playing would become self-deprecatingly funny. In "Rugged Cross," he decrescendoed to play his wide vibrato as quietly as he could. A woman on a pay phone near the bathrooms said too loudly, "He's so tiny, he's just so tiny. But it's a lovely evening." The band played 10 songs before Woody spoke. He stood up and said, "Thank you for coming. We're going to play one more tune and if I suddenly have a stroke in the middle of the tune, you'll know I wanted to thank you." He sat down and rejoined that undulating cluster in the light. A guy at a table near me said, "I'm glad he had the one-liner about the stroke. Now I know it's him and not a stand-in." At the end, band members took their bows while Woody stayed seated and dismantled his clarinet. The audience whooped when he put it back together to encore with Davis. Soon-Yi appeared at the back of the club, wearing black and smiling. She was surrounded by women who ushered her out when the encores were over. It was only 9:30. Jazz Alley had another act coming. But folks streamed out and migrated toward the Town Car, where people who couldn't get tickets already were waiting. When Soon-Yi and Woody came out, he waved. Then he scooted across the back seat. His shoulders disappeared, then he did. ------------- Trad jazz dry despite wonder of Woody on clarinet Saturday, August 4, 2001 By ROBERTA PENN SPECIAL TO THE POST-INTELLIGENCER Woody Allen's jazz persona is every bit as neurotic as his signature movie roles. MUSIC REVIEW WOODY ALLEN WITH EDDY DAVIS & HIS NEW ORLEANS JAZZ BAND He performed Thursday night at Jazz Alley in a benefit for the Pacific Jazz Institute. "If I suddenly get a stroke in the middle of the tune, you'll know I wanted to thank you," Allen said before his last tune with Eddy Davis & His New Orleans Jazz Band Thursday night at Jazz Alley. And it's no wonder the movie actor, director and screenwriter was a touch insecure on the bandstand: Edits and retakes are not possible in a live jazz gig. But none was needed. On the two tunes that most prominently featured Allen's clarinet, "The Old Rugged Cross" and "In Your Easter Bonnet," he played with all the feeling and frills of a Southern Baptist organist. Notes flowed plaintively then almost silently on "The Old Rugged Cross," while Allen strutted his arpeggios on the seasonal Easter tune. The 75-minute show was one of only three dates on the West Coast. All of them are fund-raisers for non-profit music organizations as well as promotions for Allen's new film, "Curse of the Jade Scorpion," which opens Aug. 17. The Seattle date benefited the Pacific Jazz Institute. Allen has been playing jazz since he was a teen, and he has a long-standing Monday night gig with the Davis ensemble at the Carlyle Hotel in New York City. Barbara Koppel's film "Wild Man Blues" documented Allen's 1996 European tour with the group. In spite of this flurry of activity Allen creates around New Orleans trad jazz, it is essentially a dying art form, and Thursday night's show illustrated why interest has declined. Initially created by African American musicians in New Orleans around the turn of the century and further developed in Chicago, traditional jazz is, as Seattle-based music educator and trumpeter Floyd Standifer declared after Thursday's show, "happy music." Perfect to accompany tinkling glasses at parties and to lift your spirits at a funeral. But it is also stagnant music. Allen's playing, though not as proficient and fluid as Johnny Dodds', Jimmy Noone's or Sidney Bechet's clarinet, is essentially just as derivative, dry and removed from its source. And at times he seemed out of breath, which was only evident in the somewhat hollow or squealy moments in his playing. Here's where the actor in him was useful: Allen's deadpan face made everything he played seem part of his role as a jazz musician. Davis' band, though much more relaxed onstage than Allen, was also a poor copy of the originals. The group had requested no amplification, which made if hard to hear the piano and banjo in much of the room. But even when stripped down to Davis and Allen for the encore, the bandleader's banjo merely hinted at Danny Barker's licks rather than taking them to another level. Davis is, however, a delightful singer and his laidback vocals on "Four Five Times" and "Wildman Blues" were crowd-pleasers. Trombonist Jerry Zigmont and trumpeter Simon Wettenhall infused their solos with good-time passion while drummer Rob Garcia's wooden block-generated beats and Conal Fowkes' slap bass were charming. Pianist Cynthia Sayer, whose first instrument is the banjo, merely went through the motions. Davis' ensemble is essentially no better than many of the trad jazz bands playing around Seattle. But the chance to see Allen sitting in on clarinet supercharged the set. --------- Seattle Times review below: http://community.seattletimes.nwsource.com/archive/?date=20010804&slug=woody04
Thank you for the story - a fun read, always good to read about a fellow fan on a quest who succeeds. It makes me feel guilty that I never saw Woody play jazz simply because I was cheap, since I was literally a minute from The Carlyle for 15 years and couldn't bring myself to meet the triple digit cost (good for you - 24 bucks!)
So, other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the film? (You see I can joke about that, because time has passed, and everyone knows that comedy = tragedy + time.)
Well, even at that initial screening, I knew it was subpar. Watching it today, it might be sub... (well, you know). Your list of the "bad stuff" above is spot-on. Watching it the other night, I thought of you when Woody was about to be hypnotized and he said "this never works on me" which I know was a favorite bit of yours in a film with a doctor and magical herbs. In fact, the musical motif that's (over)used during the hypnosis sequences was vaguely Asian-sounding, and I thought perhaps it'd been used in your favorite movie. Turns out the piece is "In A Persian Market" and wasn't used in Alice, but was used in Oedipus (perhaps during a similar "magic" scene?). I can almost tolerate the Charlize~Woody flirtation, because Charlize's character is clearly not normal. The worse one for me is the Elizabeth Berkley~Woody flirtation, where he casually asks her for a date and she agrees, without hesitation. Lots wrong with this movie. I did sort of learn to like the odd "run-on insults" that Helen Hunt's character flung at Woody. Instead of a witty, quick, biting remark, they were sort of the "take care when you cross the street that a piano dangling from on high over the sidewalk doesn't accidentally break lose from its hold and come down and crush you like a cockroach" or whatever. They were just goofy enough to work for me.
Re. Jade Scorpion. The poster is really quite good. Very enjoyable. The movie? My only memory of the movie is of me sitting there and thinking, Has he just completely lost the ability to direct and act? I just remember watching some of the scenes between him and Helen Hunt and thinking it was just clunky and awkward and wondering how someone could just lose their touch.
When he's conjuring up "Alice" in another film, you know things are bad. I watched the film a week or so ago for the first time in probably 5 years or more. A couple of lines in the bar scene made me laugh rather heartily, particularly the one about Betty Ann fearing that people would think they were "together", and CW responding something like "They won't think that, I don't look like an organ grinder". One more minor quibble while I'm quibbling - Paris was occupied by the Nazis in June of 1940. Even if this film is completely set in that slim sliver of 1940 that predated the occupation, Paris would have hardly been the most romantic place to conjure at that time.
